Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
