Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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