at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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