i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
A bitchslap is in order.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
