she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
