he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
