I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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