Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
