We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
