think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Congratulations! We have a period
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