I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
