I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
