Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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