Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
