Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
