I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
