I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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