How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
