found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
