matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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