I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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