you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
