the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
