you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
