Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
