He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
