I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
