Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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