i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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