Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
