Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
