I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
