someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
