Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
