rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
