i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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