I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Randomize
