He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
