I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
