I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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