You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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