just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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