Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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