I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I need water and some morals
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
