dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
