Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I smell like Dick and happiness
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