3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
