Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Found the puke drawer
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
