Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
