i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize