He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
