obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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