There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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