Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
