the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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