Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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