she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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