Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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