there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
