I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
