Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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