My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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