Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
