My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
