Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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